You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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