Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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