My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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