If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
