trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
