Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
