I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
