woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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