Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she looked like the before picture.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
