I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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