I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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