then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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