just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
