I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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