if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
