Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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