I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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