I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
