Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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