the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
