just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
