I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
