I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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