I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
