dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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