Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
