shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
