if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
