bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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