He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
