Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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