is your mom at the bar?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
