so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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