i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
