I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
