walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
