hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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