He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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