your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
