My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
