Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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