you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
