I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
