I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize