I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
