I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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