Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I need a beard to bite.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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