i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
