I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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