i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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