marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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