Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
