I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
