Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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