Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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