so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
