Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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