so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
