I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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