smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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