The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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