thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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