Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize