you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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