Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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