My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
