So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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