1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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