While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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